A Note to my Mom

Dear Mom,

Thank you for giving me this life that I'm so thoroughly enjoying living. Thank you for wanting me so much. Thank you for taking care of me when I was in your belly--for loving me before you ever saw me--the way I'm now taking care of and loving your Grandson. Thank you for helping me with my spelling and vocabulary homework, for attending all of my school recitals, for all of the AMAZING, memorable birthdays, and all of the movies, lunches, drives, and talks we had. We sure did cram a whole lot of happiness into the 21, almost 22 years that I was blessed to have you.

I've had many people--friends and family alike--ask me if it's been really tough not having you here for such a special time in my life. It's hard to find the words to answer them. I think that's because it's just so hard not having you here, period. There have been so many incredible moments since September 23rd, 2000 that I wish you could have experienced with me. There's the obvious ones: falling in love with Don, getting engaged, planning the wedding, getting married; graduating with my BA in English, going back for more, and finally getting my Masters; turning 30 and finding out that day that I was pregnant.... Yes, I wish with an ache in my heart that you had been here with us for all of it. Then there's the everyday ones: calling you up just to say hi, getting sweet nothing letters from you in the mail, watching you bond with Don (I know you would have loved him), more movies, more lunches, more car rides, more talks.

I think that Mother's Day isn't just a day to acknowledge the woman who gave you life and raised you up, (or by extension, giving thanks to the woman who gave your husband life and raised him up) it's a day to think of and be thankful for all of the ways that that woman--just by simply being present--makes life better.

I know that wherever you are, you are peaceful. I know this because I can feel it. Just as surely as I can feel the gentle nudge you still give me at times when I'm fearful, times when I have a big decision to make, times when I need just an extra bit of love to guide me in the right direction. I know deep down, down into my bones, that you played a hand bringing Don and I together, you played a hand in gifting me his family and all of the unconditional love and sweet memories that have resulted from that gift.

I still feel you here with me.

Yes, it is hard not having you here as our boy grows in my belly, us so excited for the day when we can meet him face to face. I wish you could be here for all of this. But, being the precious, blessing of a mother that you were, I'm comforted knowing that what you would want most is just for me to enjoy this time and not be mired down in sadness for the things I cannot have. The last thing that you would want is for me to be preoccupied missing you, if that in turn would make me miss all of this. Some tears here and there, a prayer in the night for you, a toast to you at dinner, a loving gaze on an old photograph of us--that you would be fine with. That I give in honor of you. And will until it is my time to join you.

I love you, Mom.

Happy Mother's Day.

love, Allison